Introduction

In 1992, Dr. John Gottman started his groundbreaking research on divorce that led to the discovery of what he termed the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which ruins most marriages. Through a series of landmark studies focused on four simple behaviors, Dr. Gottman could predict with 94% accuracy, whether or not the couples he studied would get divorced within six years.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are behaviors that, when unchecked, are predictors of divorce. Each of these behaviors represents unpleasant strategies that partners often employ with one another within conflict. Understanding their impact and limiting their existence within your relationships will do you wonders.

The Four Horsemen Are …

Dr. Gottman defined the top four behaviors that predicted divorce as the following:

1. Criticism: attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.
2. Contempt: attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her
3. Defensiveness: seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack
4. Stonewalling: withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness

Each Horseman’s Targets and Antidote

The following picture is borrowed directly from The Gottman Institute. The direct link is here.

• Criticism targets a person’s character or personality and its antidote is a gentle start-up
• Contempt targets a person’s sense of self and its antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect
• Defensiveness targets you as a victim and its antidote is to take responsibility
• Stonewalling targets your relationship and its antidote is physiological self-soothing

Final Thoughts

I once heard that in order for a marriage to survive, the ratio of positive to negative emotions in a given encounter must be at least 5:1. This is because negative interactions often outweigh positive ones.

Successful relationships must have a balance between positive and negative feelings/actions between partners. Conflict in relationships is unavoidable, but successful relationships are those that are able to manage conflict in healthy ways.

The Four Horseman framework translates not just to personal relationships but work relationships as well. It can sometimes be easy to forget how much relationship advice actually translates into the business world because ultimately we are just a collection of people working together ?.

Going forward for me when I see criticism and defensiveness galloping in (the two horsemen that show up the most in my relationships), I will remember this framework and use the appropriate antidote.