The Suffocation of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow Without Enough Oxygen

Americans now expect marriages to fulfill higher-level needs, requiring significant time and effort (oxygen). Most couples invest less than before, leading to lower marital quality and well-being, and in doing so, the suffocate as they try to climb Mount Maslow. Drawing by Brian Nwokedi

"Contemporary Americans are asking their marriage to help them fulfill different sets of goals than in the past. In the past, they asked their marriage to help them fulfill their psychological and safety needs. Now, they ask their marriages to fulfill their esteem and self-actualization needs, and they do so without sufficient investment of time, psychological resources, or "oxygen." 
--- Eli J. Finkel (2017)

On average, we as a society are investing less time in our marriages than in the past. As a result, mean levels of marital well-being is declining over time. Spouses are struggling with what they are asking from their marriage and what they are investing in it.

In his 2017 book, The All-or-Nothing Marriage, Eli J. Finkel investigates how the dynamics and expectations on marriage in America have changed since roughly the colonial times. These changes mirror Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, as American marriages transitioned from the fulfillment of lower needs, to higher needs like self-actualization.

Success at these higher altitudes require a significant level of investment in time and energy … One that not every participant in modern marriages has willingly made or adapted to.

In short, modern marriages are tougher than they have historically been given that economic progress and industrialization have made it easier to live alone, especially when compared to colonial times of the 1700s. And in short, this fact has made us require/request more from our marriages leading to a very large expectations gap that Finkel calls the All-or-Nothing Marriage.

Downloadable Content – Raw Notes

Interested in diving deeper into Eli J. Finkel’s work on The All-or-Nothing Marriage? Download my unfiltered notes below 👇

Notes on Eli Finkel All or Nothing Marriage by Brian Nwokedi Download

May 7, 2023May 21, 2024

Lessons Learned from John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Four Horsemen of Relationships by Brian Nwokedi

Introduction

In 1992, Dr. John Gottman started his groundbreaking research on divorce that led to the discovery of what he termed the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which ruins most marriages. Through a series of landmark studies focused on four simple behaviors, Dr. Gottman could predict with 94% accuracy, whether or not the couples he studied would get divorced within six years.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are behaviors that, when unchecked, are predictors of divorce. Each of these behaviors represents unpleasant strategies that partners often employ with one another within conflict. Understanding their impact and limiting their existence within your relationships will do you wonders.

The Four Horsemen Are …

Dr. Gottman defined the top four behaviors that predicted divorce as the following:

Criticism: attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.
Contempt: attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her
Defensiveness: seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack
Stonewalling: withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness

Each Horseman’s Targets and Antidote

The following picture is borrowed directly from The Gottman Institute. The direct link is here.

The Four Horsemen and How To Stop Them With Their Antidotes

Criticism targets a person’s character or personality and its antidote is a gentle start-up
Contempt targets a person’s sense of self and its antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect
Defensiveness targets you as a victim and its antidote is to take responsibility
Stonewalling targets your relationship and its antidote is physiological self-soothing

Final Thoughts

I once heard that in order for a marriage to survive, the ratio of positive to negative emotions in a given encounter must be at least 5:1. This is because negative interactions often outweigh positive ones.

Successful relationships must have a balance between positive and negative feelings/actions between partners. Conflict in relationships is unavoidable, but successful relationships are those that are able to manage conflict in healthy ways.

The Four Horseman framework translates not just to personal relationships but work relationships as well. It can sometimes be easy to forget how much relationship advice actually translates into the business world because ultimately we are just a collection of people working together 🙂.

Going forward for me when I see criticism and defensiveness galloping in (the two horsemen that show up the most in my relationships), I will remember this framework and use the appropriate antidote.

November 7, 2021May 21, 2024

Parenting: The Whole-Brain Child

Summary

An integrated brain is the foundation of resilience and well-adjusted children. The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Sigel and Tina Payne Bryson breaks down 12 simple and easy-to-master strategies that will help you respond more effectively to difficult situations with your child, and build a foundation for strong social, emotional and mental health.

You should read this book to better understand how to turn the everyday “survival” moments as parents into thrive moments, where the important and meaningful work and connecting of parenting can take place.

Never forget that we parents can provide the kinds of experiences for our children that will help them develop a resilient and well-integrated brain!

Detailed Write Up

17b.-The-Whole-Brain-Child Download